Crippled Jokes (The Best Of 2)

(1) Brandon is showing two girls around town and they come to a street crossing. Brandon presses the button and the pedestrian signal goes ‘beep-beep-beep-beep…. ‘ ‘Whats that for?’ asked one of the girls. ‘Oh that’s just to let the blind know that the lights have changed’ said Brandon. ‘My God’ she said, really shocked, “where we’re from, we don’t even let them drive!”

(2) Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying home, when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys  decide they cant wait for help, so they start their way through the desert. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; and, eventually they find an oasis. The amputee goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same. The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be Mr Independent and isists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and low and behold, he can SEE! Now the guy in the wheelchair’s getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Low and behold, NEW TIRES!!!

(3) There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who (1) would treat her nicely, (2) wouldn’t run away from her, and (3) would be good in bed.

Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheelchair who didn’t have any arms or legs.

“I’m here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can’t beat you, and I have no legs so I can’t run away from you.”

“Yes, but are you good in bed?”

“How do you think I rang the doorbell?”

(4) One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him.  He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.
The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money.
The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.
The third boy wanted a wheelchair , Bush said, “Why do you want one of those, son, you’re not disabled .”
The boy replied,”I will be when my dad finds out whose life I just saved.”

(5) There was a man who got into a car accident. He was soon rushed to the hospital. The left side of his body was completely paralyzed. The family asked the doctor how bad in shape he was.

The doctor said, “He was going to be all right.”

Let’s Laugh At The Disabled

Wheelchair Drunk Driving – The Myth

Walking while drunk is hard. Driving a vehicle while drunk is even harder. What about using a wheelchair while intoxicated? I can’t debate how hard it is to walk while drunk, compared to pushing a wheelchair while drunk, because I have never walked in my life. But I do have enough friends who have walked while drunk, and I’ll say that it doesn’t look easy and is probably the reason you assholes are always falling down. But is it illegal to operate a wheelchair while being over the legal limit?

On June 23, 2008 a man in Austrailia was charged with a DUI while falling asleep in his motor wheelchair. And in June 2007 a canadian man was also given a DUI for driving his motor wheelchair from his local pub to his Mum’s house. But has there ever been a case in the United States where a disabled person was sentenced or fined with a DUI with there wheelchair?  According to United States laws “Any person who operates a  wheelchair can be issued a drunk driving ticket and a wheelchair is considered a vehicle in most of the United States.”

I have used and will continue to use a wheelchair for the rest of my life, and think this is complete and utter bullshit. People who drink and drive are given the choice to drive there cars. People who use wheelchairs are not given a choice to get from point A to point B and 100% rely on there wheelchairs as a source of mobility, and because of that we are not allowed to walk (wheel) home drunk like every other drunk person in America? Fuck that! I will not only continue to drive my wheelchair drunk, I will piss on every street corner and puke on every curb while doing so!

Disabled Porn – To Taboo?

You can walk into a smut shop and find everything from Girl on Girl sex to Dog on Dog sex. But why is it there is no market for Disabled Porn? Does a women having sex with a horse while screaming the alphabet backwards really turn you on more than two handicrappleds getting it on? I’ll admit, I have hooked up my fair share of disabled women,  and to be honest, some of them can be pretty damn hott. Most I wouldn’t touch with a retarded guys penis, but still, I am baffled how there is no market for Crippled Porn?
If it was available would you watch it? Or is thought of disabled porn to taboo? I understand people have this bright shiny image of disabled people, but shit, we fuck too!

My Favorite Crippled Joke

A guy is walking on the beach one day and comes across a girl with no arms and no legs, and for some reason she is crying. He stops and ask, “why are you crying?” and she replies “I have never been hugged before.” So he picks her up and gives her a big hug, and walks away.

The next day the same man is walking on the beach and he comes across the same girl, and she is once again crying. So he ask “why are you crying now?” once again she replies “well, I have never been kissed before.” So the man bends over and gives her a big kiss.

The following day the man comes across the woman, and she is still crying. He ask her “why are you crying today? I have hugged you, kissed you, what is wrong now?” She replies “well I have never been fucked before. So the man picks her up, throws her in the water, and says “well your Fucked Now.”

My all time favorite…………

Crippled Jokes (The Best Of)

(1) Whats the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken.
(2) How do crippled’s make love? They rub their crutches together.
(3) Why did the disabled man get washed in the kitchen sink? Because thats were you are meant to wash vegetables.
(4) What do you tell a woman in a wheelchair? Nothing, she’s already been told.
(5) What do you call a prostitute in a wheelchair? Park and Ride.
(6) A guy is walking on the beach one day, and comes across a girl with no arms and no legs. She is crying, so he ask her, “Why are you crying?” She replies, “I have never been hugged before.” So he picks her up and gives her a big hug. The next day he is walking on the same beach, and he sees the same girl crying, so he walks up to her and ask her again. She replies, “Well I have never been kissed before.” So he leans over and gives her a big kiss. The 3rd day he is again walking on the same beach, and the same lady is crying and the man can’t figure out why? He has hugged her and kissed her. So he walks over and ask her for the 3rd time, “Why are you crying now?” She responds, “We”, I have never been fucked before.” The man says “Ok”, so he picks her up, and throws her in the water and says “Well not your Fucked.”

If you have some better Jokes, Feel free to add a comment and share with the world.

Larry Flynt vs. Stephen Hawkings vs. Christopher Reeves (CRIPPLED FIGHT)

This would be the crippled fight of all crippled fights. Who do you think would win out of Larry Flynt, Stephen Hawkings and Christopher Reeves? I would have to put my money on Christopher Reeves, only because I don’t think that Flynt or Hawkings would be smart enough to bring kryptonite to the fight. Who would you pick???

Our Contenders

Disabled People Are Such Retards

Oh my god! Someone said disabled people are Retards! Who CARES? I don’t see why people are getting there panties in a bunch because the new Ben Stiller movie “Tropic Thunder” uses the word “Retard” throughout the movie. This is not the first time a movie has made fun of crippled’s, and I certainly hope its not the last. If people want to get pissed off about disabled rights, why don’t you bitch about something that matters, like the fact that there is no media coverage for the Beijing Paralympic’s, or how bout the fact disabled sports are in second place behind the Spelling Bee, World Series of Poker, and my favorite Scrabble. Pull your heads out of your asses and complain about something that matters.

Obesity is not a Disability

I am by no way racist or bias, and will equally make fun of all, but being a crippled, there is nothing worse than hearing someone associate another person being overweight or “obese” in the same category as someone with a disability. Wanna know how big this issue is? Approximitaly 137,000 people in this country claim Social Security due to obesity. Which leads to 137,000 issued handicapped plates/tags, 137,000 less handicappedspots for people who ACTUALLY need them, and a whole lot of pissed off handicapped people who suffer from this. Infact you want to know how easy it is to be considered “Obese” according to ADA? “To be covered by the law you need to have a BMI (Body Mass Index) of over 400lbs or be at least 100 pounds overweight.” Sounds pretty cool to me. Not only can I eat what I want, not work, get paid by the government, but I can also laugh at the poor crippled kids while I’m at it. Heres an Idea! Since I’m already crippled, if I get overweight, than maybe I can collect two checks, one for the disability and one for the obesity, SWEET.

Get Out Of The Way, Here Comes A Wheelchair!

Let me start off by setting you up with a visual and really put you in a place where you can visualize this. Your in a wheelchair and you going down a side walk that is clearly big enough to hold Rosie O’donnell and Al Roker side by side on a bad day. As you are coming up to someone walking on the opposite side of the sidewalk as you, they jump into the grass or street to avoid you. Why you may ask? Well your asking the wrong person because I am always on the receiving end of it. Let me try to get one thing out there, people in wheelchairs are very good at knowing there space and whats around them. I mean you wouldn’t jump out of the way if you were in that same scenario and the person who was in a wheelchair is walking instead. Disabled people are not out to take out peoples ankles, and drive people off of the side walk so we can hog it all to ourself, even though it does sound tempting and I know this same scenario has happened to anyone who uses a wheelchair. So people, please do me a favor and next time you want to jump out of the way for the sake of your life, don’t, because the crazy crippleds are out to get ya.